Let me explain…  The purpose of our relationship together is a few fold I suppose, but what we take from it is that we are good friends together hopefully trying enrich each others life.   I’m in a position where I’m friends with a 12 year old and I happen to be a little older and a little more experienced than he. I’m not a counselor, a teacher, a financial shoulder to lean on, disciplinarian or parent… i’m merely an older friend who happens to have a vested interest in how his life turns out.  I certainly could be all of those things listed, but I choose not to for the sake of our relationship/friendship, and that he already has people in his life who fills those rolls.   Also, from my experience thus far, if I specifically do not try to fill these other rolls he’s much more apt to open up to me and feel safe telling me things he may not tell others. What a position to be in eh?

I’ve discovered something else in our relationship that has shaped/is shaping our future together and is of great interest to me.  When we choose to participate in event after event (almost always getting free entrance or special VIP type experiences) he seems to have an aire about him that I don’t particularly care to see and turns me off from wanting to hang out or spend time together.  Of course I know he’s better than that, I really love him, and he doesn’t mean to put me off so I want to work with him, or at least try to explain, with our without words, that his actions and words make me feel as such. To explain what it feels like, he gets something of an entitlement feel to him as if being a ‘little’ through the BBBS organization affords him experiences that others don’t get and that he deserves these special treats. I’m not sure if that is what he feels specifically but he’s much less cordial (please, thank you, excuse me, etc.) than he normally is when we are together.  He also expects me to purchase food, or extra experiences like games, merchandise or apparel for him.  He doesn’t push it when I say no, but he know’s that I’m not his personal bank.I find that these experiences, although fun and engaging on a particular level, are not always the best option for us to take as far as our relationship is concerned.

A few things that I want to instill in ‘little’ is a sense of responsibility through small accomplishments. Through our numerous times together, it’s become obvious that when our activities involve accomplishing something (raking leaves, mowing the lawn, even changing oil on my car) he feels a drive to finish these things, learn how to do it best, and relish the experience of achievement. They no doubt are small achievements in most perspectives but not to him.  I’m not sure why he feels like this, I suppose I can make plenty of assumptions, but honestly it doesn’t really matter to me.  What does matter is that he is telling me through his actions that he likes these activities, as do I, and that we can enjoy them together. BONUS!!! They’re healthy experiences where we both can learn something and enrich each other and our relationship together.

For instance, the locking mechanism on my back door at my house has seemed to disintegrate and no longer works.  The dead bolt works fine but this task of fixing the lock has been on my to do list for sometime.  I asked ‘little’ if he’d come and help me out. He of course, feigned a ‘yeah sure’ with the least interest a 12 year old could possibly have… and came with me to get the lock, get it rekeyed to fit the current set of keys, and headed to my house.  I put the new lock and the a screw driver on the table and said let’s get at it. He dove right in and didn’t let me touch anything without letting out major protest.   I gave him a little direction but he was determined to get it done.  I’ve never changed a door lock before but it was pretty straight forward.  It just took a couple screws removed, take the knobs off, remove the bolt action, replace all pieces with the new set and screw them back in.  He may as well have just won the lottery… ha ha his smile was larger than life, his interaction with me was one of a peer, rather than a 12 year old to a 26 year old, and his interactions, responses and questions for the rest of the evening were dripping with confidence.

I couldn’t be more proud! What a great friend I have!

After a hard mornings work we went inside, I whooped up some Venison Hash, a real hardy mans meal, while he played games on my computer.  We decided to sit down and watch a netflix movie.  By the way, it’s really hard to pick a movie when you have to consider the fact that you’re watching it with an 11 year old (man, the things that I learn through our relationship due to being the youngest for four in my own family). Now judging from the movies that he and I have talked about before, I don’t think his filter is on too high when it comes to choosing, but still, as long as he’s watching it with me, it will be an 11 year old appropriate movie.  We looked in the action section and found Karate Kid.  He wasn’t overly excited about it until I explained the Crane to him along with demonstration and what that scene meant to all men between the ages of 22 and 30.

Crane (the move of the century)

We gorged ourselves on the venison and sat back and watched the movie.  WOW! Movies today are so different. The character development and story line are so  much more relied upon rather than constant action. I loved it… ‘little’ liked it too but I could tell that it was just barely keeping his attention.  I couldn’t believe it but when we were mid movie he actualy took a bunch of pillows and threw them between the two of us and leaned on my shoulder to rest. No kid has ever done that to me before.  There was an honest trust between us that he was able to do that. I still don’t even know what to say about it….hmmm. Really cool and heart warming.  Alright ** shift in my seat/clear throat** back to manly food eating and movie watching… It was great and he was jazzed by the marshal arts.  We both got up at the end, practiced our wax on/wax off technique, did a few cranes and I brought him home.

Now it’s question time… ‘little’ doesn’t really have to much of an idea on how money works.  I want to show him that he put in a few honest hours of work and that I appreciate it.  Now I kind of get the feeling that Big Brothers Big Sisters doesn’t want money to come into our relationship (gifts, allowance, presents, etc.) but I don’t think this really falls under that category.  I don’t want our relationship to turn into me providing him with work and him making money (boss/employee type relationship) and I don’t want him to expect me to be giving him money.  I mainly want to sugggest that if he wants something, than he has the mind and skills to go out, set his mind to what it is he’s looking for, and honestly attain it.  It doesn’t necessarily have to be money based, it could be applied to so many thing.  (money/item, school/career, etc.).  My plan is to pay him $10 for his help and actually give him $5 for himself, and set up a college account for him to put the other $5 in.  I wonder what any of you think about that.  I really fear money becoming a main stay in our relationship so I’ll try to really separate the two but I think it could be a great life lesson for him.  He doesn’t have to rely on other people to give him what he wants, he can go out and acquire it himself.  I know he’s young yet but I’m excited to get started.

Let me know what you think, or if you have any similar ideas of what it is that we could experience together along this same vein.